Updated: a day ago
I remember the day I memorized your face. The bags under your eyes as you stared at me with your head heavy on your pillow. The wide angle of your jaw, your perfect teeth. Then I remember the moment I memorized the sadness in your eyes.
Saying goodbye, when a goodbye is good, shouldn't feel like this.
I remember the day I saw how good you can be. You scooped me up, even when you were trying to push me away. You showed me how to love through a struggle. You showed me that love is protection, and sometimes protection means pain.
At 2:36 I broke down. My bed became my universe and my tears became my soul.
I knew your heart before I knew you, and now I was supposed to forget it?
I remember the day when I realized you were not really mine. Not yet, anyway. I remember the way your touch felt distant and your kiss felt stiff. Then I remembered the moment I touched your face, your jaw clenching, and you melted into me again.
Not many people are lucky enough to find a person that feels like home in a lifetime.
So why do you choose to throw away something so pure?
I remember that night, in the car, with the rain outside. As we spoke the light cast shadows of tears from the drops on the window. Then you hugged me, and the rain stopped.
I remember the day I knew you loved me.
That day was today.
You told me you couldn't care for me. But you already do. You love me so much you would do anything to prevent hurt. So you want me to walk away, to forget everything I remember, to forget how my soul finally found a place to rest.
But your eyes said you will love me forever.
At least that is something I know will be true.
I remember feeling you before you knew what you felt. The feeling of magic when I could sense that something was wrong, or that today would be a good day. I remember when you realized that maybe magic did still exist - before you decided not to.
At 4:48 I realized that existing wasn't worth it. At 5:12 I remember forgetting to breathe. At 5:25 I tried to be strong. But at 6:32 I realized what was lost.
So when you can't find me, when all you are left with is regret and longing, just know I fought. I tried. I tried to make you realize that the happiness you had been seeking was just at the edge of the ocean, and I was the waves, ready to wash you clean.
At 7:12 I turned off my phone. I turned off the TV. I turned off the music. I turned off.
When I reached out for you, all I could do was remember the words that brought us together. The painful writing that I told you wasn't true. But now it is. It is the realest thing ever written.
Now every night I dream. You walk back into my life, and all the fear you let ruin this amazing love is gone. You realize, moments before I am gone forever, that you should have been next to me the whole time. Because in life there are only moments, and they are fleeting, and the only way to grab a hold of them is to stare fear in the face and laugh.
At 7:42 I wrote this.
At 7:47 I stopped crying.
At 7:48 I got out of bed.
At 7:49 I begged.
And at some point in time, I stopped believing in magic. I stopped feeling the pull of the moon and the tug of the sun. In those moments I wept, and my heart reached for you. It craved the only grounding force I have ever known. It longed to feel protected, to feel the synchronicity again.
In those moments, all I ever needed was you.