Catch Me, I'm Falling
Laying in bed, she is talking, but I do not hear her words. She talks so much sometimes.
My hand is on her face, and I gently trace her cheek with my thumb, her hand on top of mine. She closes her eyes and leans into my hand. A pause, and my heart leaps.
I had just spilled my soul. I had just pushed her away. Yet, there she was.
Staring into the golden flecks that dot the green-brown irises, watching her eyelashes close down gently at random intervals, I am sure I could lay there forever.
Thirty minutes before, I told her I could never let myself love again. Yet, there I was, falling a little more.
Part of me wanted to lay there all night, watching her, listening to her ramble.
Part of me wanted to run, and tell her to never look for me.
Part of me wanted to love her, to feel her under me.
So instead of moving, I just stared.
Years of anguish built a wall around my heart and she knew it. She knew she may never penetrate it. So why did she stay? I told her I would hurt her, I would cheat like I always did. I told her I couldn't love her. I told her that I couldn't bear to fall completely and risk the same ending.
Losing her would be painful, but would keeping her hurt more?
I could feel my heart slipping. It was being pulled in. As my hand moved down along her body and she leaned forward to kiss me, it was an energy field of raw passion. It was what I had been missing, and what I feared the most.
For the moment, I let her take me.
But deep down, I knew, sometime soon, I would push her away again. Every time I did, I could see it in those piercing eyes, the ones normally speaking love to me. How did I find a woman so strong and so perfect? Why couldn't I just make myself be ready? Why couldn't I figure out a way to hold on without going too fast?
Karma had delivered a blow to me, a payment beyond what I ever imagined. The years of infidelity - from me, from the one before her - they caught up and destroyed me. Now I sat here, in limbo. Burying my soul in meaningless encounters before her had been easy.
But then, she appeared. I didn't mean to seek her out, but I did. I knew I wasn't ready, and yet I moved toward her. Her gravity moved me, like the moon and the tides. She made the ocean swell over my heart and I thought maybe - just maybe - the pain could subside.
It didn't matter then, though. I could feel her heart, I could almost feel her soul. That is why I kept my eyes closed. If I saw her, I couldn't resist her.
She was one to run wild, and I wanted to chase her, yet, I would always want to run away. I wanted to protect my heart from the same pain I had before. I wanted to never feel that pain again. I couldn't - no - she hated when I said that.
I chose to not let myself.
Loving her was so easy. Leaving was so hard. But the demons within me fought as we slipped through the night, tangled together, like two souls ebbing and flowing in the ocean.
How could she have so much faith in me, in the world, after all the pain we had both seen?Hope was her biggest downfall - or maybe her best asset. For all her pain, she always saw the best. Even in me. She saw straight through my darkness and felt my goodness. I did not deserve her, but she wanted me - oh, how she wanted me.
If I let her go, I would feel free from this torment. If she gave up on me, it would kill me inside.
That is where I stood - on a fine line between wanting love and knowing pain.